Regulus Black

N.E.W.T examinations start next week.

My first one is Charms, Monday morning at 10AM. I then have Transfiguration on Tuesday, Defense Against the Dark Arts on Thursday, Ancient Runes on Friday. Then the following week, I have Potions on Monday, Astronomy on Wednesday, and finishing up with History of Magic on Friday.

I am both pleased and distraught that the Quidditch season is over. I no longer have a distraction from studying, which is good. Then again, there is not much else that fills my days any more. I shall be glad when I can breathe a sigh of relief when all of this is over. I only hope that I can do my best and make everybody proud of my efforts.

My journey at Hogwarts is almost over. I feel somewhat sad because of it. But alas, the real world beckons and I suppose I should go and meet it with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

So, guess who is now officially a Quidditch cup winner?

Yes, Slytherin won! Three-hundred and sixty vs. Two-hundred and ten! I almost thought we were going to lose for a while. Derrick ended up with a broken nose and Richards got knocked out. It was a fairly dirty game but we prevailed. Props to them, Gryffindor played extremely well. We were just better, at the end of the day. I can not confess to ever feeling so elated! I am on a high that I very much doubt I will be able to come down from.

What a perfect end to my captaincy. Now all Slytherin needs is the house cup and this year would have been the best of my life.

[PRIVATE TO SIRIUS]
So, after we won and went back to the common room, there was a party. Someone managed to smuggle some firewhiskey in and practically everyone above fifth year got completely drunk. I tried to resist it as much as I could, but I was the winning captain. I couldn't very well refuse to celebrate, could I? It all got a bit hazy. I do remember some things though. I was in a broom cupboard with Eliza Dupree...

Also, I saw the dog you were talking about. How did you know it would be there?
[/PRIVATE]

[PRIVATE TO DEATH EATERS/SUPPORTERS]
Please tell me that somebody else felt that? It was as though my arm was being branded with a white hot poker or something similar. It was all but gone in a moment, but I must confess that it took me greatly by surprise.

Surely that is not supposed to happen? I am so confused right now.
[/PRIVATE]

It is such a beautiful day. Here I sit near the lake, under the warm spring sunshine during my free afternoon period. My robes are off, my tie is loose, and my shirtsleeves are rolled up. All of my homework is complete and I have decided to take a break from revision. Being cooped up inside seemed awfully silly considering how lovely the day is. The grounds are quiet and free from younger students and I feel alone, yet content to be so. It is only when one is alone during a day like today where one can truly appreciate the wonder of life. I do not aim to sound romantic as I write this, but am simply making a very plain observation. I do love the turning of the seasons and the transmutation from winter to spring is by far the best. Spring is the time for new life, of fresh starts and new beginnings. It is the forerunner of summer, the season of optimism, vitality, and life. Free from winter's chill, things flourish and come to life so spectacularly before your very eyes. Things change, grow, become better. I can feel it in myself, as well as see it in the things around me.

I must sound awfully poncey as I write this, but so be it. It is a glorious day and I intend to enjoy it. Sunshine is rare in this cursed country, so one must seize any opportunity to bathe in it whilst one has the chance. You never know when the rain will rejoin us and dampen our spirits once more.

[PRIVATE TO SELF]
Freedom. So many people take it for granted. When you have a time limit on your head, it really puts things into perspective. After all of this work is done and I leave these halls, I will have but a week before I confine myself away from the world indefinitely. Seven full days to live my life as I wish it. It does not seem long, but I shall do what I can with my time before it runs out. Following this train of thought, I have been musing over all of the things I shall yearn for once this plan goes ahead, and the result of doing so has left me somewhat melancholy.

I will miss flying the most, I think. Being in the air and feeling the rush, the wind against your face and the weightlessness of it all-- There will not be many opportunities to do so once I am deceased. I will miss running, the feeling of my heart as it begins to pound faster as my thoughts fade away with each stride. I will miss laying in the sun and feeling content to simply waste away the day in the shade with a good book. I will miss wandering aimlessly and happening upon new places and new people. I will miss--

I shall miss it all, but I know deep in my heart that sacrificing these simple pleasures will be worth it in the end. At least, I hope.
[/PRIVATE]

[PRIVATE TO SIRIUS]
Do me a favour? Keep an eye on Andi and her family. Do not ask me to explain why I am asking you to do this-- just do it.
[/PRIVATE]

[PRIVATE]
Bugger, bollocks, shit, piss!

I have to tail my own cousin? This is ridiculous. Thankfully I am at school and will not have to participate much. I am worried as to what Carrow will do though. She is unhinged at the best of times, and I do not want Andie or Nymphadora to get hurt. I am sure I shall find it hard to concentrate if I know Andie is being watched by the Death Eaters. Why on earth is she being made a target in the first place? She married muggleborn filth, yes, but that does not warrant whatever the Dark Lord has in store for her.





I should tell Sirius.
[/PRIVATE]

I have had barely any time to think over the past few days.

Revision for N.E.W.T.s are going well. I have started up an Astronomy revision class for those who need help in the subject, and have joined several revision groups myself. The teachers are piling more and more work on us daily, which I know is only for our own good but is tedious all the same. There is an awful lot of it. I suppose this is what I get for taking seven N.E.W.T level classes.

Quidditch practice has also been taking up a lot of my time. Three practices a week, combined with thinking up new plays and tactics has barely left me any time to breathe. Sometimes I do not think I have enough time to do so, and that I should promptly cut inhaling and exhaling oxygen from my schedule.

Three months and counting.

I am awfully worried about my mother and her sanity health.

Just this morning I received an erratic owl from her. It is not unusual for me to receive such post, but she seemed a lot more harried than normal. She complained of seeing the Grim. The Grim! It apparently followed her around Diagon Alley for well over an hour before she hurried home in a panic.

I wish I could say that this is the first time that this has happened. Just a few days after my brother left the family home, my mother complained of seeing a large dog tailing her as we shopped for my school supplies in Diagon Alley. I saw no such beast, which led me to believe that the grief of Sirius' departure had driven her slightly mad. I do not have an explanation for this recent bout of paranoia, but I do so hope that she recovers.

I returned her owl with a note of my own, telling her not to worry and that whatever she had seen, it was not the Grim. I very much doubt that she will believe me, but she can not honestly believe that she has seen an omen of her own death. I also added a note for Kreacher, instructing him to look after her as is his duty and to hide the cooking sherry from her. I just hope that will be enough.

Eighteen.

It feels no different than seventeen, save that it is one year older. I was not expecting a great change and am thoroughly unsurprised at my lack of feeling. I am not one to turn down a celebration though and I woke to several wonderful gifts this morning, for which I am grateful.

Mother and Father sent me a new journal, complete with a rather handsome eagle feather quill. I have written my diary from birthday to birthday for as long as I can remember, and am glad to have received a fresh one. For some reason, I can not shake the feeling that this will be my most active and most noteworthy year yet.

And so it begins. I must dash now. I scheduled a Quidditch practice today and am already running late. I would hate to keep everybody waiting, even if I do apparently have the rights to do whatever I please today.

[PRIVATE]
I already received the best birthday gift ever. Nothing could ever top yesterday, even if the most prolific thing we did was talk about how best to fake my death.
[/PRIVATE]

[PRIVATE]
Tomorrow.

What does one say to their estranged brother after more than three years apart? Somehow, I doubt "Hello, how have you been?" will be sufficient. We can not simply talk of the weather and of Quidditch though, can we? It is going to be so bloody awkward...

Then again, what if it is just a cruel joke? What if he is just setting me up? Pranks have always been his forte. What if this is just another one of his tricks? Would he really be that callous? He isn't going to be there, is he? I must be mad...

Stop it, Regulus. Calm down. He is coming. He will be there. Quit being so bloody insecure for once in your life. Man up. Roll with the punches. You are going to see Sirius in less than twenty-four hours. You need to be ready.

Oh, Merlin.
[/PRIVATE]

I am too much of a coward to go home.

My mother has informed me by owl that my father is not doing well. His symptoms have worsened and the disease is slowly taking its toll. His skin has begun to discolour and the spots have begun to show. It is progressing faster than anyone anticipated and it does not look good.

He has always been so strong. I can not bare the thought of him succumbing to such a fate. I suppose it is because he is my father, and nobody believes their parents to be weak. I am aware that nobody is indestructible, but he has always been a constant presence in my life. I simply can not wrap my head around the prospect of a world without him.

I do not know what to do anymore. I suppose there is nothing that I can do.

[PRIVATE TO SIRIUS]
I know you detest the man and that you do not wish to see him, but would you like me to forward mother's letters of update? He is just as much your father as mine, and it would be no trouble for me to do so should you wish it.
[/PRIVATE]

Two-hundred and thirty vs. One-hundred and seventy.

I almost did not think we would win for a moment, but then the snitch appeared right before me. It was without doubt one of the most tense moments of my life thus far. Should we have lost, we would have been out of the running for the Quidditch cup. We were narrowly beaten by Ravenclaw before Christmas, but we are now in second place behind Gryffindor.

As it is my last year, I am more determined than ever to win. What a crowning glory to my academic life should I captain the team to victory.

The last game of the season is against Gryffindor on April seventeenth. We need to win by more than seventy points, providing Ravenclaw beat Gryffindor during their next match, and Hufflepuff lose their next match against Ravenclaw.

[PRIVATE]
I have never before felt so liberated. I feel content for the first time in a long time, even though there is more cause to feel anxious than ever before. So many things could go wrong, but I oddly do not care. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am almost there. Just a few more months...
[/PRIVATE]

[PRIVATE]
After hearing what they did to Marlene McKinnon, I know that I made the right choice to speak to my brother.

I can't handle this anymore. I want out, before it's my neck on the chopping block.
[/PRIVATE]

[PRIVATE]
This is such a mistake...

What am I bloody doing? What's going to happen if somebody finds out? I'm going to be bits, that's what. I won't even get a chance to bullshit an excuse. Bam, that'll be the end of me. It makes me wonder if it's all worth it. I've never really felt at ease and I know i'm in too deep. It's like quicksand though, as soon as you get pulled in, you can't get out. The more you struggle, the faster you sink. Should I just let it happen? Is resistance futile?

I want to see Sirius again, I really do. He's my brother and I love him very much. Life hasn't been the same since he left and we stopped talking. But now he's making an effort, and it seems a silly thing to throw it away. What with Father being ill and Mother slowly disintegrating into madness, my desire for family is stronger than ever. When Father dies goes, it'll just be me and Mother. Of course, there's Bella and Cissa and Andi too, but they have their own lives to lead with their own families. I want my brother back. I need my brother back.

But...

I don't want to die. Who does? I mean, I know it'll happen one day, but I don't want it to happen like this. I don't want to be pursued like a game bird, hiding in the shadows until i'm found. I don't want to be shut up and kept in the dark. I want to be free.



Perhaps I should just owl Sirius and tell him that i've changed my mind again..?
[/PRIVATE]

I was called into Professor Dumbledore's office today. At first I thought I was in trouble, but then I realised that I haven't actually done anything wrong. No, I was called there because my mother had contacted the school. Apparently, my father is extremely ill. Dragon pox. It came on all of a sudden, and it doesn't look good. My mother expressed her desire for me to be allowed to visit, should his condition worsen.

I don't know what to do...

[PRIVATE]
Just what I need, another family member to desert me.
[/PRIVATE]

NEWT studies are going well. Astronomy should be a breeze, and I think it helps that it is my favourite subject. Indeed, Professor Astrum says I am the best in his class. I take it as a complement, even though it isn't hard to be the best in a class filled with such impurities. Most of my other classes are also going well, and I do not believe I will need to study very hard to obtain good marks. A bit of revision never hurt anybody though, and I do strive to do my best.

The only thing I'm really having problems with is Transfiguration. I've always been hopeless at it, and I can't remember for the life of me why I decided to continue it. I should have picked Arithmancy like mother said I should have. No matter now, what is done is done. If anybody has any suggestions on how to better myself in this subject, I would be extremely grateful.

Throwing myself headlong into studying is a welcome distraction. I can not claim to have many friends within these walls, so studying takes my mind off of things. Another thing that helps is Quidditch, and practice starts up again next week. I have to attempt to find another beater for the next game (against Hufflepuff, which should be an easy win). Morely was injured pretty badly before Christmas, and finding a replacement will be difficult. He was so talented... It seems that we're favourites to win the cup though, which I am extremely pleased about. It is my last year, and nothing would give me a better send off than to captain the team to victory.

It is so strange to think that I will be graduating in less than six months...

[PRIVATE]
I still feel different. Studying and Quidditch take my mind off of things, sure. They don't stop me from waking in the middle of the night though. I had my first real nightmare since Sirius left home last night. In it, he was surrounded by Death Eaters and the Dark Lord made me murder him as everybody else looked on. I can't believe I actually did it...

If it came to that in reality, I could not.

I would rather be killed than do it.
[/PRIVATE]

I have now returned to Hogwarts for the remainder of my seventh year. Should anybody need me, this is where to find me. I await instruction from the Dark Lord pertaining my attendance at meetings, and whether or not he wishes for me to keep an eye on anything in particular whilst at school. Likewise, should anybody else need anything, send an owl and I shall reply as soon as I am able.

[PRIVATE]
It is so strange being back here. I mean, it is the same old castle and nothing has changed. I just feel, I do not know, different?

I think it was conversing with Sirius. It opened my eyes a bit and made me realise how much I actually miss him. I am not saying that writing to him has made me seen the apparent light or the error of my ways, but for the first time, I have started doubting my allegiance. Most of the people the Death Eaters sort out deserve it, and I am all for it. But there are times when I feel...numb. Like I am physically here, but not emotionally. Sort of like an out of body experience. It makes me wonder if I made the right choices.

I did...didn't I?
[/PRIVATE]